The Story
It’s 10:24 pm and I am supposed to get myself to bed in the nine o’clock hour to keep my goals coming along nicely. I just feel kind of heartsick tonight. I’m a morning person all the way, and each morning as I begin the work of the day I have this light-filled, uplifting vision of all of the things I will do and be during the day. When evening comes I feel my spirits dampen with the onset of the dark…though I had worked hard and made my best choices the outcome appears to be so insufficient. I spent most of today in the kitchen, using up apples I had been gifted (baby Emily loooves the homemade applesauce) and putting our whole row of pumpkins to use where I could. Some went to the chickens, the sugar pumpkins got roasted for puree (some of which I turned into pumpkin waffles. So yummy), and one of the big pumpkins got turned into “dinner in a pumpkin” which myself and my husband loved. The kids probably wouldn’t like it. The older 2 were at a practice right when it was going to be done so I made them the waffles instead. Even then, one of the kids didn’t like them. Sigh. When my 6-yr old asked what was for dinner, and I said with a twinkle in my eye, “Dinner in a pumpkin,” thinking she would be impressed, she replied “yuck”. ha ha I know it’s not personal but I sort of feel like the gifts I tried to create today went mostly unloved.
Optimistic Morning Me
In the morning hours I had hoped to complete all that I did (kitchen, homeschool, nurturing of a sick kiddo, baby time, a bit of housework) but also getting myself ready for the day, more homeschool for one of my daughters, taking down the rest of the fall decor, getting totally caught up on dishes and laundry (laundry is at a critical stage–one child said she has no more pants), having an hour or 2 in the afternoon to work, taking time for an exercise “snack” or 2, reserving and picking up some books at the library, and doing some rearranging of the living room to envision where to put the Christmas tree we are hunting down tomorrow.
It does sound like a lot now that I write it down…but…that’s what I wanted to have happen. And now that it didn’t happen, tomorrow is over-flowing with tasks. This is one of the hardest things about this season of my life right now, that it feels like this neverending deep sea of responsibilities which I can’t possibly swim through, though I earnestly try.
I think that I need something for my tired, let-down evening self…especially since she is always required to put children to bed when I crave time to finally relax. Bedtime can be one of those consistent tests of motherhood.
Searching For Something
Is there a mindset, a practice, or a mantra I could use? Self-compassion comes to mind. I’m just not sure how to be content with how the day unfolded even though I literally could not have given more. This isn’t about systems even though those can have a huge impact; it’s about the way I function…always thinking I can do more than I actually manage to accomplish.
You know what comes to mind? That old adage,
Cute and whimsical though it is, I think the idea can help me. Perhaps at night I can put my hand on my heart and say,
“You shot for the moon today, Jess–and I love that about you. I love that you go for it over and over again. I know that it hurts that you missed… amongst the stars is where you landed, and though it isn’t the moon, it is also a lofty place, and beautiful. Your work mattered.”
It feels good to have taken a minute to understand my feelings better. I’m off to bed, with plenty of self-compassion that I stayed up just a little late and an appreciation of myself for that overreaching aim. Your heart is good, little self, and your work ethic too. It is alright.